Twenty-Seventh: Getting to Know You

If you've never written a letter to yourself when you really needed to listen to the deepest parts of you, I highly recommend it.

I recently did this massive mind-body cleanse that left my brain in a bit of over-focused, power mode. Of course, that meant that I had all sorts of mental energy overflowing in me, and nowhere to direct it. When that happens, I tend to turn in on myself, over-analyzing and questioning every aspect of myself, as is evidenced by my last, meandering journal entry here. So, Monday, I decided to write a letter to myself rather than let my thoughts consume me. I free-wrote, just letting my fingers do the work without really letting my brain interfere at all. I've never been able to do that on paper, but online it was much easier, since my fingers are usually a step or two ahead of my conscious mind anyway. In doing so, I managed to remind myself of a lot of things that I often forget and get lost in, and it's been really wonderful to have that letter to go back and review when I feel like I'm starting to lose sight of the things I want to do and the person I want to be again (which happens, inevitably; I'm human). I'm putting some highlights in here for myself, though if you take anything from them (which I doubt anyone will), then I'm glad. :)

"Let [life] be what it [is]. Be still. Let your mind be quiet... Let yourself be what you are, where you are, who you are. Don't ask questions of what it means every second. The meaning is in the quiet. In the instinct. Just be."

"Allow yourself to remember how it felt, and how much clarity you had, when someone asked you this morning what you took away from the cleanse and you didn't have an analyzed, thought-out answer prepared to give her. The right answer came to you instantly. Energy. The ability to focus your energy where it needs to go. The ability to have clarity and purpose and a sense of self again. That's what you have. That's what you need to continue to foster. That's what you don't need to lose. Please don't lose it. "

"Make the lists that you want to make for yourself about the things that you want to do to better yourself as a person. Keep them growing, and keep working towards them. Belly dance. Rock climb. Take cooking classes. Read more. See more plays. Run an endurance race. Just don't let yourself get so bogged down in the lists and the goals that you forget to just BE YOU and ENJOY YOU. Don't let your lists define or intimidate you."

"You're beautiful. You're loved and lovable and anyone who doesn't want to be in this beautiful life that you're continually fostering for yourself clearly has nothing to bring to it right now. Don't force people to be something they aren't. Don't pull them into a life where they have no purpose to serve and do not belong. Everything will be as it's supposed to be. Be sure of it. "

"Love yourself."

My trend toward self-exploration and thoughtfulness has continued over the past several days, and it's expanding itself into me branching out, getting outside of my bubble, and working to know others again as well. On Tuesday night, I went with Narissa and Danielle and their friend Kristy to Ten Pin Alley in Atlantic Station for a little swanky-bowling. The concept of the place (an 'upscale' bowling alley-slash-dance club-slash-pool hall) seemed a little silly to me, but it was actually really fun. I guess the trick to enjoying bowling is to make it NOT feel like you're in a bowling alley, be that by being with the right people or in the right place. At any rate, I hadn't seen either Danielle or Narissa for a while, and it was great to catch up with them and just laugh at all sorts of things that I hadn't thought about in forever. It reminded me of why it's actually a good thing for me to break out of my little hermit-shell a little more often than I currently do. :) It was refreshing to indulge the social side of myself - a side that's been largely hidden over the past several months as I tried to get to know myself again.

This weekend will include a trip to beautiful St. Augustine, Florida and Sawgrass. I'm excited, though I'm having trouble deciding what to take with me to knit. I don't have any warm-weather projects on the needles right now, so I'm at a loss. I don't want a big mass of wool on my lap while I'm knitting poolside, y'know? I also want to get my hands on some good books on tape for the 7 hour drive. Any recommendations?

I'll be back soon with pictures (I hope). :)