There are so many things floating around in my head right now, due in large part - I’m sure - to the cleanse I’m undergoing and the way that it’s affecting my brain and body. I feel an increase in mental clarity that seems to have brought with it an increase in thought and question. Currently, there’s so much in my head that I’m having trouble paring it down to its basic parts, but I think I’m getting close. Right now, I’m wrestling with expectations, attachment, and acceptance in all areas of my life, and it seems that the more I try to deal with them, the more obstacles arise that challenge just what I’m working on.
My inner wisdom knows that expectancy is powerful, magnetic. It acts at a cellular level to create an outcome for us, and it enables our intentions and beliefs to manifest. That’s why I try so hard to stay positive, because I know that expectation can easily manifest in either direction. I have to check that my thoughts and attitudes serve my highest purpose and that of others, but it becomes hard sometimes to recognize the lines. Where does my highest purpose cease to be of importance in the face of the needs of others? When is it okay to act in the best interests of now without regard for later? Is it ever? I don’t think it is, but waiting for the expectancy of later to manifest can leave us feeling empty or unsatisfied right now, and that’s difficult. I wait and give space in my life to so many people who need time to heal (this seems a pattern for me over the past years - I’m a nurturer; we tend to do that). I expect them to heal and grow and become better, and I deny myself the things that I’d personally like to manifest in order to allow them room to do that. I give space and manifest for others in the hopes that, in time, that will allow something to grow that will benefit everyone involved.
What happens, then, when the person for whom you’re manifesting space and health and growth isn’t manifesting it for himself? This was my constant struggle with Jesse. When someone keeps a negative outlook, my positivity can only penetrate so deeply. I guess that’s ultimately why I had to detach from that situation and work on acceptance of it as what it is. I have to trust the universe, the higher power, always, and know that the outcome - whatever it is - will be what is right and meant for me. I have to remind myself to keep my expectations attuned to a higher purpose, and not get bogged down by the wants and attachments of now.
This brings me to attachment, which I know is my biggest obstacle, always. I become attached to my expectations just as badly as I attach to my wants, my immediate needs. Yet, again, my inner wisdom tries so hard to remind me that attachment, especially to a person or an outcome, has its roots in fear and the need to hold onto or control what’s familiar. We humans are biological animals built to be wary of change, and yet my higher mind constantly wars with my biology, and I guess it should if I seek to be peacefully, truly, deeply happy. Happiness with attachment seems to be a superficial happiness, dependant upon maintaining the status quo. I don’t want that sort of happiness. I want the inner happiness first, and then others who choose to join me in my happiness are welcome in it with me. Detachment is what I need. It’s only then that I can allow others to be themselves (not the person I’ve created - I believe our perceptions of others are always creations, no matter how well we feel we know them - and attached myself to) and appreciate them for that.
The problem is, my wise-mind knowing all of these things doesn’t keep me from faltering in it. Every day is just a step on the journey, and every day I can succeed or fail a thousand times. I just have to do my best to keep myself on the right path with every step I take.